Colorado Style

You know you're from Colorado when.....

1. You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.
2. Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains.
3. You're a meat-eating vegetarian.
4. The bike on your car is worth more than your car and you have your own special bike lane.
5. You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.
6. You think your major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire Beer.
7. You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests faint from altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains.
8. You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.
9. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista.
10. April showers bring May blizzards.
11. You know what a 'Chinook' is.
12. You know what a 'Rocky Mountain Oyster' is.
13. You know what a "fourteener" is.
14. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a Democrat in Congress does.
15. People from out of state breathe 5 times as often as you do.
16. You have an $800 stereo in your $300 truck.
17. You know where the real "South Park" is.
18. Driving directions usually include 'Go over _________ Pass.'
19. You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka with a hood.

Lutefisk: Irish Truth??

The reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because this is when St. Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland. It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter. Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food was scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes. St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go.

Secretly, he organized the Irish IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians). Irish members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their fish would keep. Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as every one knows today, thrive on spoiled fish.

So, faced with failure, the desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian invaders. But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it "lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "luscious fish".

Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making something called "lefse". Poor St. Patrick was at his wit's end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to "GO TO HELL". So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota or the Dakotas ---- the only other paradise on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather can be found in abundance.

Minnesota Humor

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

If a Palestinian and a Minnesotan get married what do they name the kid?
Yassir Youbetcha!

A visitor to Minnesota asked a resident why everyone's car was named Harvey??
Why do you say that, asked the resident?
Well you get in their car, they put it in gear, and they say "har ve go".

If you'd like to become a Minnesota citizen, please fill out this Application (PDF file)

If you feel like singing, try the Minnesota Blues (PDF file)

You know you're from Minnesota when.....

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor.
2. "Vacation" means going to Brainerd for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You use a down comforter in the summer.
6. Your grandparents drive 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a blizzard, without flinching.
7. You see people wearing hunting clothes to social events.
8. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both doors unlocked.
9. You think of the major food groups as venison, walleye, and Old Milwaukee..
10. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
11. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the grocery store at any given time.
12. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
13. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're a rush because you have to stop to talk to everyone in town.
14. Your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March.
15. You know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Edina and Shakopee.
16. You think that ketchup is a little too spicy.

The Ten Commandments (Minnesota Style)

1. Der's only one God, ya know.
2. Don't make that fish on your mantle an idol.
3. Cussin ain't Minnesota nice.
4. Go to church even when you're up nort.
5. Honor your folks.
6. Don't kill. Catch and release.
7. There's only one Lena for every Ole. No cheatin.
8. If it ain't your lutefisk, don't take it.
9. Don't be braggin bout how much snow ya shoveled.
10. Keep your mind off your neighbor's hotdish.

Minnesotan's Guide to Computers

• BYTE: How Lena Stops Ole's Advances
• LOG ON: Dats how ya make da vood stove hotter
• LOG OFF: Vhat Sven vas trying to do vhen he burnt his hands terrible
• MONITOR: Keep an eye on da vood stove
• MEGAHERTZ: Vhen a big log drops on your foot
• COMPACT DISK: Vhat ya get from lifting logs dat's too heavy
• FLOPPY DISK: Vhat da lefse looks like vhen it's cooked yust right
• RAM: Da hyraulic ting dat makes da voodsplitter vork
• DRIVE: How ya get home vhen da snow's not too deep
• HARD DRIVE: Dat's vhen you're going to Dalute vhen da snow's deep
• PROMPT: Vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
• ENTER: Vhen ya come on in
• WINDOWS: Vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 below out
• SCREEN: Vhat ya gotta have in blackfly season
• CHIP: Vhat ya munch on during da Vikings game
• MICROCHIP: Vhat's left in da bottom of da bag vhen da big ones are gone
• MODEM: Vhat ve did to da hayfields last yuly
• DOT MATRIX: Lars Matrix's vife
• LAPTOP: Vhere da grandkids sit
• KEYBOARD: Vher ys suppose to put da keys so da Missus can find em
• SOFTWARE: Da plastic picnic utinsils
• HARDWARE: Vhen da Missus starches da undervare
• MOUSE: Vhat leaves dem turds in da cupboard
• MAINFRAME: Da part of da outhouse dat holds up da roof
• SERIAL PORT: Vher da vheaties come from by boat to Dalute

You Know You Are Lutheran When...

• You carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case they have a potluck
• You have an uncontrollable urge to sit in the back of every room
• You think communion wafers are too spicy
• Your congregation's first two operating rules are: "Don't Change" and "Don't Spend"
• The only mealtime prayer you know is "Come Lord Jesus..."
• You can't get to heaven without a casserole
• You sing "Stand up, stand up for Jesus" while sitting down
• It's 110 degrees outside and you will have hot coffee after the service
• All of your casserole dishes have your name taped on the bottom
• Every time something changes, the old way was better
• You don't question why the seat you sit in is caled a "pew"
• A mid-life crisis means switching from the old hymn book to the new one
• You have more than five flavors of Jello in your pantry
• You have more than three friends whose names have the letter "j" as the second letter
• You think the term "Jello Salad" is redundant
• You hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can
• You're watching Star Wars in the theater and when they say, "May the force be with you", you reply, "and also with you"
• You know all the words to the first verse of Silent Night in German, but don't speak the language
• Potluck dinners are your favorite indoor sport

Norwegian/Swedish Humor (Ole, Lena, & Sven)

Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
"Can you spell that for me?" the operator asked.
There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"

Ole goes out one day to use the outhouse, and he finds Sven there. Sven has his wallet out, and he's throwing money down into the hole of the outhouse. Ole asks, "Uff da! Sven, watcha doin' there, fella? You're throwing the five dollar bill and the ten dollar bill down into the hole of the outhouse! Whatcha doin' that for?"
Sven answers, "Well, when I pulled up my trousers I dropped a nickel down there and I'm not going down into that mess for just a nickel!"

Ole lay dying in his bedroom. He began to revive as he smelled the aroma of fresh lefse wafting through the house. Ole managed to gather is strength and crawled out to the kitchen. Just as he reached for a sample of Lena's lefse she slapped his hand and said, "No Ole, don't you know dat's for da funeral"

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing."

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus."

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

A Swede was walking down the street with a duck under his arm.
- "Where did you find that monkey?" asked the Norwegian.
- "It happens to be a duck." claimed the Swede.
- "Shut up, Swede! I am talking to the duck."

Every year for the 17th of May parade the Swedes line up on one side of the road for the parade, the Norwegians on the other. Then, the Swedes throw firecrackers at the Norwegians. Then, the Norwegians light the firecrackers and throw them back

After traveling through Sweden last summer, I noticed that they had something written on the bottom of their soft drink bottles, "Åpnas på andra sidan" (Opens on the other end).

A Swede was driving along an interstate-highway for the first time. As he was listening to the radio the music was suddenly interrupted by a warning message which said that there was a car driving the wrong way on the highway. "ONE?" the Swede yells out, "there are several hundred of them out there!"

Lena likes going to her class reunions. She says it is fun to see all those old faces and new teeth.

Ole came home one evening and shot his dog. When his neighbor asked why, he explained, "Some vun phoned me up and said my vife was fooling around vith my best friend."

Sven and Ole went out duck hunting, and they worked at it for a couple hours and finally Sven says:
"I wonder why aren't we getting any ducks, Ole?"
"I don't know. I wonder if we're throwing the dog high enough."

Did you hear about Ole's nephew Torvald who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
Yeah, he had it bronzed.

So, Ole --- I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat For Sale." But you don't own a boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine. "Yup, and they're boat for sale."

Ole and Lena had been married seven years. Lena was getting worried that Ole might be getting the seven year itch. She thought he was cheating on her. Lena says to Ole "You never tell me you love me. Is there someone else?" Ole replies "When we got married I told you I loved you. If I ever change my mind I'll let you know."

One day this Swede walked into town to do some shopping. On his way home his Norwegian neighbor saw him carrying a bag. He hurried out to greet him and asked what he had in his bag. The Swede replied chickens. The Norwegian asked how many he had. the Swede says if you can guess how many I have I will give you both of them. The Norwegian replied 3.

Why do Norwegians use glass garbage cans?
So the Swedes can go window shopping!

You know how to break a dumb Norwegian's index finger?
Punch him in the nose!

The Swedes invented the toilet seat. Twenty years later the Norwegians invented the hole in it.

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said the first Norwegian. "Vell," said the other one, "At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more."

Arnie complained to Kjell, "I've got rats unter my house. Vat can I do to get rid of them?"
"Throw some ludefisk unter de porch. They'll be gone lickitty split."
Two weeks later Kjell saw Arnie at the store and asked about the rats.
"Oh, dat got rid of dem alright, but now I've got 14 Norwegians livin' under der."

Why did the Norwegian take a ladder with him to the supermarket?
Because he'd heard the food prices in Oslo were extremely high.

Why did the Norwegian crawl on the floor through the supermarket?
Because they're looking for the low prices.

Why do Norwegian garbage trucks drive so fast?
The drivers are scared of getting robbed.

How do you say 'genius' in Norway?
Tourist.